Trying to be someone who is liked by everyone is, in many cases, one of the foundations of failure. This pattern is often seen in gentle personalities who grew up in harsh, critical families where love was considered a weakness. People who did not receive enough affection or who were frequently criticized as children tend to strive to be liked and are afraid of upsetting or hurting others.
A saying captures this well: “Even God is not loved by everyone, so how can you be?”
To be liked by everyone, you would have to please everyone and give them what they feel they deserve. This is impossible. The structure of life is such that you cannot fully satisfy anyone, including yourself. You cannot visit your mother as often as she wishes. You cannot help your spouse with domestic work as much as they would like. You cannot give your employees, customers, suppliers, or even your boss as much time and attention as they all want. You cannot grant your staff the raises or the amount of vacation they desire. You probably cannot even give yourself as much time as you need.
As soon as you cannot give people what they want, you begin to move away from being “the liked one”. When you become a manager, you gain resources and budget. People will naturally want you to use this power for their own benefit. Yet you must use that power in a limited way and within a certain loyalty structure, which will be discussed in the next section. The stricter you are in this, the further you move from being universally liked.
The popular phrase “win-win” in business does not fully reflect reality. If the other party gains 9 while you gain 1, you can still call that a win-win situation, but it is not equal. In win-win situations, your loyalty must lean toward your company. The aim is not 5+5 but 9+1. Giving your employees the highest possible raises, granting distributors the largest discounts, paying partners the highest dividends, or asking for minimal discounts from suppliers may make you more popular, but these are not practices you should adopt. You must prioritize the company’s interests and give other stakeholders as little as you reasonably can. This will often make you less liked.
One CEO of a large financial company put it this way: “We have 5 people do the work of 10 and pay them for 8.” This is a clear example of a win-win that still favors the company.
Trying to be constantly liked means giving concessions, and this inevitably creates a management weakness. It encourages lateness and idleness, reduces productivity, and causes some people to become lazy. It is healthier not to be harsh toward people personally, but to be strict and low-tolerance when it comes to work. It is more important that people trust and respect what you do than that they like you. If they know you are fair, they will respect you, and in time you will be able to manage your team more easily and almost effortlessly.
Being respected, and even a little feared, is better than being liked. Fear can be controlled, love cannot. It is often better that people fear the consequences of losing you than simply enjoy your friendship. Good managers consciously create a mild unease around them to keep initiative on their side, using a form of controlled fear. This is a tactic powerful people have used for centuries, and it runs counter to the need to be loved.
“Whoever always wants to be good is bound to come to ruin among the many who are not good.”
Niccolò Machiavelli
That article comes from the experiments we have conducted over the years.
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